Dear Huma,
Welcome to the club you never wanted to join, "The Betrayed Wives' Club." Our membership includes some of the most accomplished, beautiful and intelligent women in the world. Yet they have all faced the pain of infidelity. Some have suffered privately while others have gone through a public humiliation. I hope you find some solace in knowing you're not alone. However, I imagine you feel more alone now than you ever have.
When I was trying to decide whether to stand by my man or ditch his sorry ass, I often wondered "What Would Hillary Do." I thought if only I could talk to her, I would be able to find my way. You can actually ask her, and I know Secretary Clinton will give you sage advice. Ultimately though, you're the only one who can make this difficult decision. Everyone will have opinions to share, and sadly in your case, they will be blurted out on the news. You will have to swim through the noise and find a way to listen to your own heart. And it may take a while for your heart to decide. It's been trained to unconditionally love and blindly trust. Now that same heart has been shattered by the person who was supposed to protect it.
The good news is your heart is resilient. It will love again -- perhaps the same person or maybe someone new. Either way, your heart will go on. I guess there was a reason that darn Celine Dion song was so popular.
In the meantime, the up-and-down journey of betrayal is brutal. There will be times when you beat yourself up. You might say things like, "If I didn't work so much, maybe this wouldn't have happened. Or, if I was only thinner or sexier." I imagine Elizabeth Edwards often thought, "If only I didn't have cancer." You may imagine the world has branded you a frigid shrew. Why else would a man stray? I beg you not to spend long on that path of personal flogging. Looking inward is important during this journey, but there is absolutely nothing you did to make your husband cheat. You are not responsible for his actions. He knew the vows he'd taken, and with every tweet or text he knew he was breaking them.
Like you I married a charming man with a funny last name (mine was Beerwinkel). I first discovered his online dalliances when I arrived at his office a little earlier than expected. He was arranging a date via instant messenger. I was shocked and mortified, especially when I saw he was using a photo of the two of us to attract the woman. He claimed I was an old girlfriend. My heart dropped into my stomach, and I felt numb. The worst part is that I'd just returned from visiting my father in the Intensive Care Unit. I was completely vulnerable. I decided to believe my husband when he said it was all a fantasy world. He told me he'd never intended to meet the woman. I couldn't face losing my father and my husband at the same time, so I gave him another chance. We went through months of counseling and he promised it would never happen again.
Sadly his promise was short lived, and two years later I caught him again. He lied and denied, but eventually the truth came out. My sister became an Internet detective and his online friends turned on him. I heard from woman with pathetic screen names like badlilkitten, hotnurse and rockurpantsoff. This time he'd actually been dating other women and was battling a terrible sexual addiction. Uncovering his secret life almost destroyed my self confidence. My partner for ten years was now a stranger. How could I trust my own instincts not to mention him? I should have pushed harder the first time to discover why he would endanger our marriage for a cheap thrill. I should have prevented him from hitting rock bottom. Maybe I even should have ironed more. The shoulda, woulda, couldas will torture you. Try to leave those words behind as quickly as possible.
The best advice I can offer is to be kind and gentle with yourself. Allow your friends and family to engulf you with love and support. Don't be afraid to let your guard down with them. I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me, so my defense mechanism was to crack jokes. The laughter helped, but honest conversations and tears were also necessary. Give yourself time and space to explore your feelings. Slow down enough to listen to your heart. That is a prescription I had a hard time taking. My plan was to keep moving, so I wouldn't have time to fall apart. However, it wasn't until I slowed down that I could listen to my heart. It was only whispering. It said, "love yourself, forgive yourself, love him, forgive him and let go."
I don't know you, but I know you will survive this nightmare. I dare say you will even thrive. Whether you stay or go, it will be the right decision because you made it. And someday, you will help guide a new member of this club. You will be their inspiration. I encourage you to put together a list of women who've dealt with betrayal and come out the other side. My sister who taught Texas History at the time, gave me a powerful mantra: "Remember Hillary Clinton, Remember Nicole Kidman, Remember Reese Witherspoon, and for God's sake Remember the Alamo." Today, I would add to the list Sandra Bullock, Elizabeth Edwards, Ellin Woods, Maria Shriver, and all the women who, like myself, are struggling with the same issues minus the media spotlight. Make your own mantra. Chart your own path. Love and take care of yourself. Just remember, you are not alone.
-- The Girl Who Didn't Iron
